i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Drunk is not a location!
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
