When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
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