I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
