your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
