wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
