By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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