don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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