My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
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The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
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So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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