I'm sorry my penis didn't work
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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