Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
