you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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