I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize