I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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