Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
