i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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