I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
