4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
the day after is always just damage control
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm way too hungover for life right now
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
