First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
