The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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