I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
