Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
