There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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