I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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