She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
