How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
