New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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