I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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