He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
