I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
