I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
