Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
