Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
