Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
