apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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