if i can run in heels then i can drive
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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