Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
