I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
