you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
