I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina