I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.