Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize