alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Randomize
