...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
