You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
