I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
