making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I have feelings that need drinking.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
