Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
