While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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