This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
