need another drink. this is the easiest way
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
