I will die if light touches me.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I could fuck to npr.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
