Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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