Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
