If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
you had me at cake vodka
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Randomize
