You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I just pynch a tree in the face
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
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He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
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Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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