Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I need moral support for this bender
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
