I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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