ya dads aren't the best wingmen
This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
