Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
